Haters Inc.

Back in 2013, Todd Scotti went to CitiField, not only to watch his beloved Mets play in a spring game, but to also try win a match in a best of 3 series of beer pong against his longtime nemesis, The Lord of Hate Jeff Fonseca. Todd was already down 1 game to zero and he thought his chances at winning were in his favor.

Unfortunately for Todd, his would end up not going his way. Todd Scotti would end up knocking down his own cups and help secure the win and the series for his nemesis. Todd and Jeff had a made a wager for this series. Since Todd had lost, Jeff stipulated that Todd could not say anything negative about Jeff’s team the New York Yankees for a month on any platform, spoken or social media, which would include sharing articles from other sources or memes.

Less than 24 hours later, Todd would renege on his bet. “I couldn’t ‘shake’ this feeling that I was being screwed. Why would I subject myself to humiliation. I hate those fucking Yankees, and if I don’t say anything negative at least once a day about them, I just lose control of my bowels”, Todd yelled. Todd said he had a doctor’s note for this condition, but somehow he couldn’t produce that. “I think my dog ate it or something”, he said while also whispering to his lawyer Chris Brogna and quote “I hope they bought it”.

Jeff has been unable to have Todd pay up. “I swore that I would never trust that human shake weight ever again”, said Jeff

Three years later, Todd is at it again. On September 10th, 2016, Phil “CM Punk” Brooks made his UFC debut against Mickey Gall. Todd has been a longtime CM Punk fan since his WWE Days. “The man is not a quitter, he fights for what he believes in and doesn’t whine and complain about everything”, were Todd’s exact words.

Todd would make another wager with Richard Staszewski, manager of the greatest pro wrestling champion, Vacant. The wager was hair vs hair. Todd was supporting CM Punk and Richard would support Mickey Gall. The stipulation had any of the participants must have their head shaven on April 1st, 2017. The bet was agreed upon by many eyewitnesses. CM Punk would end up submitting to Gall in the first round of the fight.

Richard was victorious, and Todd would have to get his head shaved bald on April 1st. However, Todd has now reneged on this wager as well. He claims he never agreed to have his head shaven bald and that he already chose what kind of hairstyle he liked.

Unfortunately for Todd, the evidence points the other way. Jeff Fonseca made light of the evidence by producing screenshots of a three way conversation between Jeff, Todd and Richard. The evidence shows that Todd wanted a buzzcut on September 12th.

“I didn’t say anything of that sort. My account was hacked by the same people that hacked Anthony Wiener’s twitter account”, he claims. When we asked him to produce evidence he said, “listen I do not need to show you proof, my computer is being audited as we speak and my lawyer has told me that it would be detrimental to the audit if I release this information”. He continued, “This wager was rigged. I feel CM Punk was screwed in that match, so why the fuck should I have to shave my head”.

“Also, I specifically said a #2 cut on my head the day of the fight”, he yelled. When presented with the screenshots of his conversations with Richard and Jeff, some eyewitnesses have come forward and denying Todd’s assertions.

“Todd did not specify what kind of haircut he wanted. This is another attempt by Todd to not man up and be a good loser”, claimed Sarina Larsen, an eyewitnesses who questions everything. “Will this be in a newspaper? If so, which one? Where can I buy a copy of it? And is the newspaper a paper that is news or news that is paper?”, she continued to ask. We had to immediately end our interview with her since we ran out of time.

“I did not hear Todd specify anything either. Clearly Todd is writing checks his ass can’t cash. Especially since his ass is pounded on a daily basis by the teamster at his job”, said the Lord of Hate. “No Doubt Bro!”, claimed Danny Montanez when we asked him about this situation.

With the evidence clearly against him, Todd continued to claim that even if he lost, Donald Trump was his way out. “Listen the man was caught on TV saying horrible things about women and foreigners and he completely denied everything even though he in fact said those things. Once he denied the facts, I knew then and there that Donald Trump was my loophole and if he denied it then clearly those videos were obviously made with CGI or something from Warner Brothers”, he said.

Richard Staszewski vows to continue his fight and not let anyone else be screwed by Todd Scotti. “Listen bro, I would continue this interview now, but I have WWE tickets for the next 3 months that I have to purchase at ticketmaster”, said Richard.

 

This past Sunday night, the US Women’s soccer team won their third World Cup title, having last won it in 1999. A nation still celebrating 239 years of independence rejoiced at the moment as a gift for their beloved nation. The country for a split moment forgot about the problems they face internally and celebrated such a well deserved victory. However, one person didn’t seem too jubilant to celebrate another American achievement.

“Those girls have learned nothing from history. You can sit there and celebrate this victory, but what I think of it is yet another atomic bomb being blown up on the Japanese”, said Glenn Dewar, a local race baiter from Astoria, New York. Mr.Dewar was referring to the 5-2 victory the US secured against the defending World Cup champion Japan. “First it was Hiroshima, then it was Nagasaki, and now it’s Vancouver. They should be ashamed of themselves”, he added. Vancouver was the site of the final match between the two teams.

“I mean it was like World War 3 on the soccer field. They murdered them in the first 16 minutes of the match with 4 goals. That’s pretty unfair to be winning against a group of people considered a minority in America”, he continued. “The Americans squashed the hopes and dream of the Japanese people”.

I tried to explain to Glenn Dewar that the Japanese already had a World Title victory at the last Women’s World Cup, and that the Americans, who lost that match, were not angry because it was just a game. I added that soccer is usually a sport that sets to unify the masses and celebrate what is usually called “The Beautiful Game”. However, he was not buying my argument.

“The Japanese had a World Title, and what did the US do? They took away yet another piece of property belonging to a minority. History is repeating itself, just like the Americans took away the land of the Native Americans living here way before any colonists stepped foot on this land and shit on it”, he claimed.

I began to get really scared when he began to shout other nonsensical blather. “Oh my lord, the US again wants to be on top. Whitey is the king of the mountain top and we all cheer for it. Well the US Women’s soccer team are a bunch of selfish racists bitches!”

“WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NEXT AMERICA, ROUND THE JAPANESE UP AND PUT THEM IN INTERNMENT CAMPS AGAIN? ARE YA, HUH?”

I told Mr.Dewar that his statements are hurtful to a country that has been deemed a melting pot for the world, that the minorities are more accepted now to which he added “Well someone is squashing the dreams of the minorities Jeff. Who is squashing the dreams Jeff!? Tell me!”

Glenn Dewar has filed a lawsuit again US Soccer on the ground of racial discrimination in a sporting event and denial of entrance amongst the greatest in soccer history.

People on the street have heard what Mr.Dewar has said and commented. “Listen I don’t have time to listen to his crap because I got nothing to do and I wanna hang out at Bell Boulevard tonight”, said Michael Capozzi, local people watcher and resident stalker. “No doubt bro”, said Danny Montanez, local hair product connoisseur. “The more bullshit he spews, the more I lose my hair”, said Jeff Fonseca, the aerodynamic Lord of Hate. “Back in my day, the US won World War 2”, claimed Chris John, who is 84 years old.

Who knows what Glenn Dewar will have a problem with next. Only time will tell.

The US Justice Department on Friday morning indicted TEP Epsilon Theta Formal Chairman Jared Smith due to allegations of corruption charges pertaining to the upcoming 2015 TEP Formal. The US Attorney General Loretta Lynch issued a warrant for Smith’s arrest and charged him with accepting bribes from the Adria Hotel Management totaling approximately $1000, along with a free weekend stay at a 5 star hotel of his choice the night of formal and transportation to and from the Adria. The Bayside, Queens Adria is the location where the formal will take place on June 26th.

Along with the bribery charge, the Justice Department has also charged Smith with fraud and money laundering to corrupt the choosing of venues for future formal events. According to documents intercepted from the Adria management, another $5000 were given to Smith to influence the decision of the TEP Undergraduate chapter to choose venues closely linked to the Adria, while at the same time, expose members of the brotherhood staying at said hotels to bed bugs, solicitation from prostitutes and overcharging of formal tickets.

“By the look of what Mr.Smith tried to do, he would over charge the brothers of Tau Epsilon Phi for tickets to the June 26th formal, and future ones, in order to pocket the cash and stay at other 5 star hotels while his brothers would have a miserable experience”, said US Attorney General Loretta Lynch in a statement this morning. “This behavior is unbecoming of a brother, and now Jared Smith will face justice for his crimes”, she added.

This comes after Loretta Lynch, also filed fraud and corruption charges on members of FIFA, the governing body that controls soccer worldwide.

At 10am this morning, the FBI raided the home of Jared Smith, however he has not been apprehended and is now considered a fugitive. Smith was last seen at a formal event last night at the Swan Club in Roslyn, NY. The club has a 4.5 star rating out of 5 according to Google, while the Adria has 3. According to eyewitnesses, Smith was seen handing out multiple hundred dollar bills to the bartenders at the event. “I saw him bring his own bottle of wine, and every time he drank from it, he said he was drinking the sweat and tears of the hard earned cash of his brothers”, said an anonymous eyewitness. “I saw him in the bathroom, and he said that his silk underwear he was wearing was possible thanks to the souls of the dying alumni who gave him money for TEP formal back in May”, said Rick Jones, a Swan Club bathroom worker.

At a nearby Spa in Roslyn, the manager of that establishment had Jared Smith for an appointment for hair removal via waxing prior to the formal event last night. “I said to him, oh you so hairy. The procedure could be expensive. He then said, I have the money because I am a brilliant business man”, claims Jody Tyler, manager at the local spa.

Back at his house, authorities managed to check into his Smith’s email account, which showed he was mentored by former TEP member Steve Besserman.

Haters Inc reached out to the management at The Adria Hotel for comment, however they have decided to not speak to the media in light of the recent allegations. The brothers of TEP are in disbelief. “I can’t understand why this little man, acted like a big hustler and screwed me from having a nice experience”, said Chris Brogna, local barista in training. “I can’t shake the fact that I almost paid that douchebag. However I must say, getting solicitation from prostitutes would have been great”, said Todd Scotti, local hooker connoisseur. “I am not impressed”, said Donald England, local village idiot. “No doubt bro”, said Daniel Montanez, local Supercuts patron. “I went to Jared, and he didn’t give me the jewelry I paid him for weeks ago. He had me convinced he was the owner of that jewelry store”, said Richard Staszewski

Haters Inc will keep you updated as this develops.

 

 

May 2nd, 2015 has been dubbed the biggest day so far this year for sports. The NHL playoffs, as well was the NBA are keeping their fans glued to the TV. The 141st running of the Kentucky Derby has gamblers wanting to make a lot of money. Yankees and the Red Sox are continuing their ever storied rivalry. However, the main event is a boxing match, the highly anticipated Manny Pacquiao vs Floyd Mayweather.

As boxing fans are ready to spend their money on this big match, there are others in the community who just this think that another black man is getting beat up again. “Manny Pacquiao is a racist”, says Glenn Dewar, local extreme liberal who has been at the center of race baiting this week. Dewar has been vocal about the riots in Baltimore this past week after Freddie Gray was killed while in police custody.

“Have you not seen what is going on out there, black people getting killed by white cops, and this Filipino wants to contribute to that discourse by making money and trying to knock out a black man and end his career? I think that’s racist”, says Dewar.

While I tried to explain to him that other African American boxers do this for a living, and know of the risks involved in any contact sport, in which cases a black man may face another black man, he tried to justify his reasoning by making the following excuses.

“Did you see what happened to a certain black boxer by the name of Apollo Creed, when he died at the hands on a white man after being knocked out? He died, Creed died at the hands of a white man”.

I tried to explain to Mr.Dewar that Apollo Creed was a fictional character in the Rocky movie franchise, and that Carl Weathers, the actor who portrayed Apollo Creed in the Rocky films is 67 and still alive.

“That’s not true, you are contributing to the lies of the media, I saw the footage of that fight, I saw another black man killed by a white man”, says Dewar. “Ivan Drago is a racist fuck too. And I think that if Manny Pacquiao knocks out Floyd, we need to riot the streets of America. We need to show support for this injustice”.

I explained that Ivan Drago is also a fictional character in the Rocky franchise to which he added, “If he isn’t real, then why was he on television knocking the black out of Creed? Answer me that my friend, I know what I am talking about and you just showed me you have no evidence to what I am saying to you and I have won yet another argument. Your silence tells me you like it when the minority gets the shaft”. When I told him that Ivan Drago, though fictional was of Russian decent, he said “He still had a lot of white skin. That man is a bigot and a murderer, and Pacquiao should forfeit this match to Mayweather on account of what black people have suffered since the start the British colonization”.

After this interview, I asked boxing fans about their opinion regarding Glenn Dewar’s remarks.

“If I had a pair of Air Jordans for every time Glenn Dewar said something stupid, I’d be a happy little boy”, said Richard Staszewski, local shoe salesman. “If Glenn Dewar gets sued for stupidity, even I wouldn’t make him coffee”, said Chris Brogna, a barista in training at a local law firm. “I am not impressed”, said Donald England, local village idiot.

Regardless, it seems Mr.Dewar is not in touch with reality. Whether he achieves clarity and actually sees the truth, will remain to be seen.

Haters Inc.

In light of the June 26th TEP formal taking place at the Adria Hotel in Bayside, NY, other Queens area venues have started to submit their bids for next year’s show of shows. Three local area localities have already started contacting current formal chairman Jared Smith about having the formal in their establishments.

The localities include The Sizzler In Forest Hills, the Leahy-McDonald Funeral Home in Richmond Hill and the Crown Motor Inn in Elmhurst.

The inquiries come in light of the recent backlash from the alumni members of TEP and their #50bucks movement, in which they are championing the cause of having the price of the Adria formal lowered from the current price of $75 to $50 due to the hotel’s history of unsatisfactory service.

“This year’s formal at the Adria will be the greatest of all time. It only makes sense for us to have a formal in which we get bitten by bedbugs and gets STDs from these whack ass hoes we bring to our formals at a yearly basis”, said Jared Smith.

The #50bucks movement began on April 2nd, 2015 with former New York City police officer Michael Capozzi firing the first salvo. When asked about why he is helping to fight for this cause he said the following, “I felt like the price of the formal was sort of like getting stopped and frisked on the streets on New York. You kinda feel violated and cheated and when I was a cop, I didn’t understand that then. Next stop is prison after being stopped and frisked, and I don’t want to be violated more than I have to”.

Others have had similar sentiment. “If we lower the price by $25, that’s money I can put towards saving my ever receding hairline”, said Jeff Fonseca, the ever prolific balding Lord of Hate. “I can’t ‘shake’ the feeling that I am being screwed here”, said Todd Scotti, a local hooker connoisseur. “I am not impressed”, said Donald England, local village idiot.

Given the recent inquiries for hosting the event, Richard Staszewski feels that a formal next year at a funeral home would make perfect sense. “It would be a formal you would just die to get into”, he said. “I do feel though that we should reconsider the price, given the fact that I just spent $110 for tickets for opening day for a team that sucks worse than the Adria hotel and my new Air Jordan sneakers are about to drop”.

Daniel Montanez had his reservations as well. “No doubt bro, I understand the situation, but when I look at it, it’s either buying mousse and hairspray, or spraying my balls with alcohol after the formal, mmmmm bye.”

Whether this issue will be resolved, remains to be seen.

It’s a cold week in New York City, but it’s even colder if you were a person able to venture into the dark heart of the one Chris Brogna. The past four months have seen him very confused, from having to deal with his favorite actor, Josh Brolin, not answering his fan mail, to studying for his LSATs scheduled for this Saturday, to having the thought of coming in second during last October’s Save The Tatas Beer Pong Tournament.

I sat down with Chris to see where his head was at, and what his plans were heading into Pongomania.

Jeff: Thanks for sitting with me Chris.

Chris: Thank you for having me.

Jeff: First off, how are your LSATs studies going? I know the exam is key to you getting into a great law school. How are you preparing for this next challenge on Saturday?

Chris: Well, it hasn’t been that difficult. I actually managed to save money on study material by just not buying any workbooks or practice tests, and just focus on identifying bad guys in the Facebook game Criminal Case.

Jeff: Chris, many would feel that is not the appropriate material, should you want to get a good score on such a big exam.

Chris: Oh trust me Jeff, it’s perfect. I have it all mapped out. Logic is the key to passing this exam.

Jeff: Now Chris, the logic you are talking about is not exactly the one that you will be tested on. I mean it’s more complex than that. How does a Facebook game guarantee a high score on this exam? Don’t you think you are taking a big gamble on your future?

Chris: Gambling? What the fuck are you talking about?

Jeff: Please Chris no need to curse, just asking a…

Chris: I know what you asking, but to say that I am gambling my future is completely insane. Don’t underestimate my abilities. I know what the fuck I am doing. I am Greek, we invented logic.

Jeff: Don’t you mean democracy?

Chris: Are you kidding me? Why are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the jury?

Jeff: There is no jury, what the hell is wrong with you? It’s just you and me. Clearly you must understand that people think you make no sense with how you are going about this situation, that your life is on the line.

Chris: I have always put everything on the line. Sure, am I putting my life on the line right now? Of course. But what’s life without a heart?. I tried to give that up when I poured my heart out to Josh Brolin. My heart is his, yet he doesn’t reciprocate my affection. With no heart, I have no life.

Jeff: Reciprocate? I see you are learning your word of the day.

Chris: Go fuck yourself.

Jeff: Clearly this conversation is getting out of control, I can see this makes you upset.

Chris (while crying): Upset is not a big enough word for what I feel.

Jeff: Let’s move on. Last October, you teamed up with Chris John to form Beerack Oponga. You teamed up with a man who holds the world record for fastest elimination in a tournament.

Chris: That fact holds no bounds in this courtroom.

Jeff: We are not in a courtroom Chris, this is a bar. But back to my point. Why come up with a name that makes fun of the president of the United States?

Chris: Personally, I wanted our team name to be Milk and Oreo, since I have white skin, and he is black.

Jeff: Oh god! Are you implying you wanted him to dunk his black cookie inside you?

Chris: Don’t be a wise ass. I ain’t into that shit.

Jeff: Speaking of shit, you came in #2 in the last tournament, I was..

Chris: What the hell kinda interview is this?

Jeff: If you think these questions are difficult, can you just imagine yourself in a courtroom?

Chris: You listen to me, coming in #2 will not happen again. We will win the next tournament, I will pass my LSAT and I will be the first lawyer to be on the people’s court.

Jeff: They don’t need lawyers on the People’s Court Chris. You know what, you clearly have lost it. I am ending this interview.

Chris: Go fuck yourself Jeff. See you at the tournament.